Poetry Journal!! Part 2!! (Again....?)

[Shi_Min_Xi offline]

Okay! SO!!!!

Those of you who still remember, there was a thread here in GD called "Poetry Journal....Sorta..." where various members had contributed poetry, commented on it etc.~

Well, if you also remembered, said thread got ambushed by lurkers here and went "aoilkfdalkfdmc" on us there. Of course, after filling up about 5 pages of dedicated poetry, we were disappointed. And so we had closed it....and moved to a forum which my last post had a link to...

Fast forward to maybe...a year? Well, said forum died pretty quickly....>.> And well over at that thread in BKO overthar, Stonecreek and I were discussing about said Poetry Journal and decided, "Hey! With all these new people here, we should restart it and give it another chance!!" And so I was like, "Lulz, okay. Restart 'cause old one's staying locked." And so, here we have it! Poetry Journal!!! Part 2!! (In case anyone was wondering, Poetry Journal (the 1st) is going to stay locked because we're perserving that [that and 'cause we're missing Jaine, the other part of the Journal xD])

So!!!!!!

Bolding the general rule on this thread here 'cause I doubt people will want to read blocks of text to find it. xD
Read please~

Post your poetry here, comment on the others. Remember constructive critisicm~ And, please, if you're posting a poem, please at the very least acknowledge the other poems here and don't just go. "Lulz, here's mah poem. read. i need feedback. -ignores everything else-"

xD

So~! (Yes, I promise you this is the last "So" before the poem. xD)

Let's get this thread started!

Lulz, poem~

Never before has this path been traveled
Shrouded with darkness
He stands before it.
Giving a sigh
Before he steps forth
Knowing from now on
He can never head back.

His eyes fill up with tears
As he is forced to abandon all that he loves
Regretting his last words
He heads onto the path
Keeping in mind
The one that made this happen

He looks around him
His path far away
From anyone around him
He has often been told that paths split and merge
He only prays that this will hold true again.
Moving forward as his path is slowly illuminated,
He can only wish to see that face again.

Shunned from society
He is seen as a weird one
Contradictory to what he has been taught.
Interests and feelings bar him from others
In a world where everyone is supposedly looked upon the same.

So torn up inside
He has no idea what to do.
Falling to his knees
He gives out a cry.

He discovers the road is broken
Looking over it he sees no other side.
And so he finally knows
His journey is over.

Awaiting his fate
As coldness of society sets in,
His face is one of many emotions
And his journey ends
With a twisted face of pain and misery

Yush, the poem was written a few months ago as an English assignment which had a prompt of, "Just write a poem damnit." (Yes, direct quote there~) And so....Poem! Hope you liked it!

[Stonecreek]

(Whatever happened to Jaine anyway???)

Very good chocie to start off the new thread with, Maikoru-kun (still getting used to that name...). Good voice, nice journey the narrator undertook. The first line, I think travel needs to be traveled, but other than that, it was technically sound. I will start with my favorite piece from the time gap from PJ1 to PJ2.

Inappropriate Staring

It's not that I couldn't, if I wanted to,
look you in the face when we talk,
but can you blame a guy
for the distractions provided?

I'm not objectifying you, really;
it's genetically predetermined in males.
Monkey see, monkey do,
and moneky is hormonal today.

Not that I'm flinging metaphorical poo,
just stepping in it and trekking it about.
The male of the species is rendered stupid
when the female is this...alluring.

I can't help but be ensnared,
not by your words but by aesthetics.
You want it the other way around, I know.
Trust me, I'm working on it.

[Shi_Min_Xi offline]

(Hell load of personal problems...I don't know at the moment though...I haven't talked to her in awhile...)

:O! -goes off to change that- xD Thanks Stoney-sensei!!

Melikes your poem. It had good implication and funny spots in it as well~ I was snickering when I read it. xDD

:O! -claps hand-

Given Example , See Example, Follow Example. ^_^

That's good Poetry Journal posting. xD

[Stonecreek]

(Hell load of personal problems...I don't know at the moment though...I haven't talked to her in awhile...)

:O! -goes off to change that- xD Thanks Stoney-sensei!!

Melikes your poem. It had good implication and funny spots in it as well~ I was snickering when I read it. xDD

:O! -claps hand-

Given Example , See Example, Follow Example. ^_^

That's good Poetry Journal posting. xD

Indeed. And if you had put a poem in that post, I'd comment on it and maybe post another poem of mine, and so on and so forth. Sorry to hear about Jaine. I must go and prod Carth later to get her in here, too...other poems of mine can wait till later. I have a backlog of 14 poems that haven't been posted either on LF or SMX's forum yet.

[Carth]

Don' worry, Stoney, my me has arrived! WEEEEE POEM JOURNAL.

This is a great day in LF history, this is. Or maybe I'm just exaggerating.

I have a load of poems backlogged in my head, and I've been waiting for them to get out. Some of them are kinda random, some are kinda romantic (like...this one), some...I dunno. Yeah.

Uh...here's one. It's inspired by a male sack of meat I haven't really spoken to for two years...I <s>don't</s> stalk him...uh, enjoy. Edit: Crush has ended. Better male sack of meat found. Enjoy poem anyway.

---

Seperation

Who are you?

What is your name?
Where do you live?
What do you wear?
What do you say?

What school do you attend now?
What classes do you like?
Do you have a girlfriend?
Is she beautiful?
Does she love you?

What is your family like?
What do you do on Friday nights?
Do you like ice cream?
What is the music in your head?

Do you know how you look?
How your hair,
your eyes,
all seem so well set?
Do you know how your smile
knocks the air from my lungs?
Do you know that you are beautiful?

Do you see me tremble
whenever I see you?
Do you wonder why?
Do you not see me?
Or do you do the same?

Who am I?
Why am I asking you these things?
Because I knew you long ago
I did not love you then
but now I do
I love you
More than I can ever say

And I want to know who you are now
And not be confused
with who you were then
I want to make you real
In my mind
And not just something beautiful
To look at
Or a doll
To pose in my mind
I want you to be human

I want you to be more
Than your eyes
Or hair
Or smile
I want you to be your heart
Your soul
Your mind
So I can say I love you
And be sure
That you will understand
Why I say these words.

---

Uh. Yes. I hope it's worthy...

EDIT- Oh! Forgot to comment on all y'alls! Maikoru, yours is like a cross between beautiful and depressing. I kinda feel sorry for the guy. I wanna give him a hug.

Stoney, your poem's a bit more amusing, and one of the best about boob-staring- and the only about boob-staring- that I've ever read. It's so honest and cute. ^_^

[Reesane offline]

I loved that thread.... Then the spamers got it......

Well, this isn't my best, but I found it lying around on my hard drive. I'm trying to gather all of the poems I've writen in one place. I forgoten how many their are...... XP

The song of Ronald (The song of Rowland, mock epic.)

One day in gym we played capture the flag
The red team and the blue team both had
10 flags between them
But I didn’t know it would have gotten so bad

I was on the blue team,
And it was ok,
But I didn’t know,
Just how much pain I was in for that day

I had been left to guard a flag
Just me and my two friends
While Mac, Eleot and Stan
Went off to achieve their own ends


We guarded that flag
For ten minutes or so
Before I realized at the worst posible time,
I really had to go.

I couldn’t hold it much longer.
I danced around like a fool
You can’t leave your friends alone to guard
Nor can you wet your pants at school

Then two of the red team found us
Their names were Bill and Ned
They ate nails for breakfast,
At least that’s what Mac said.

‘twas no longer a game
‘twas a war
I could see from where I stood
That we’re done for.

Now let me tell you something,
It wasn’t very fun
They beat the snot out of us
Then they took our flag and began to run
.


Then Mac, Eleot and Stan,
Came back with a red flag
They saw us lying on the ground
And dropped the filthy rag

No were in the infirmary
Covered in ice
If you play games in gym class
Pray the other team plays nice.

[Stonecreek]

Carth:
Very stream-of-consciousness. It reads very much like a monologue from a play, but you have spliced it up into poem format. It is a nice change to see such an honest, open voice in a poem. It speaks simply, yet tells a nice little story, too. I hope you contribute more here.

Reesane:
Welcome back to the world of poetry! Your poem was funny, and told a cohesive story. I especially liked the last stanza. You need to work on the beats in the poem, though. In rhyming poetry, syllable count per line is very important for the diction of the poem to sound right, and a couple of your stanzas suffer from too short lines in an otherwise fine rhyme scheme.

Now, a poem from me. This one is more my typical fare (i.e., darker, a bit mroe sarcastic humor), where as Inappropriate Staring is a bit unlike other poems I have written recently. This poem is circa three years ago, but I wanted to post it now because I watched Braveheart last night.

Mel Brooks Does Braveheart

He split his mouth a bit too wide
as the punishment -
Torn limb from limb! -
was handed out.

The crowd jeered in the background.
They'd yet to find
their rotten produce
to chuck at his
holier-than-thou grin.

At least it wasn't castration.
Perhaps them he'd forget to smile.

They clamped on the shackles,
led him away to his deluxe accommodations -
The last had not had hay on the floor.

Tomorrow he will be made
a spectacle of for the masses.
Let the crowd roar -
Martyrs do not truly die.

[Shi_Min_Xi offline]

Carth-tan~! Your poem was umm...-has spent 10 mins sitting here already xD- different...? -stoned, facepalmed, bricked- I really liked the first person narrative you chose for it as opposed to the frequent third-person ones I write~ I also liked the explanation of "Why" this person cares so much. 'Tis good -nods head- And thank you for your comment!

Reesane~ I remember you occasionly contributed before! Good to have you back! I liked your poem, a lot. It's a nice narration and t'was funny as well! I also liked the hidden rhyme scheme you have in there~ Keep it up!

Stoney-sensei! Egadss, a dark and somewhat creepy poem...But it paints the scene out really clearly and had an air of mystery around it.

Now, my poem! This one's a slight twist from my normal ones. While my normal ones talk of a hopeless love, this one breaks off from it...To be quite honest, I was scared after writing it since it was so different from my normal ones...Anyways, enjoy~

Must you be so oblivious?
Can’t you see what’s happening?
Try as much as I want…
I can never seem to get you to realize.
Every time we talk
I try to edge it closer and closer
But you somehow change it
And transform it into a different meaning.
Can you not realize
The oh so obvious glares
Or do you just interpret it as something else?
My sarcasm and choice of words…
Do they not affect you so?
Are all my attempts failures
Do my words mean anything to you?
Anything significant?
Can you not recognize this feeling I have for you?
This burning intensity that I just cannot ignore
Every time I see you,
You’re in perfection
A state of innocence.
I can’t bring myself to say anything.
But it’s chewing me up inside.
Oh why can’t you realize it?
Our friendship was never meant to be

How could my meaning fly over you like so?
Is it because of your ever happy side
Your fear of nothing
The air of confidence around you.
Never before have I seen you confused
Every meaning of mine you’ve always got
Why must this one be so different?
Is it because of your purity
That I choose not to bluntly state it
And forcibly make you realize this reality?
Is it because of the way I shape it
That it leaves you with no choice but to interpret it otherwise
Or is it because we don’t know each other enough
Giving out a shout,
I must wonder
Why can you still not see it?
This relationship must end.

Your voice of concern,
An air of nobility
Is this what stops me from telling you
What really goes on in my mind?
Is it because I still cannot accept my choice?
Or am I unwilling to shatter your world?
I never thought it would be this hard,
To simply tell you those few sentences
But I see it’s a never-ending battle.
But still you don’t realize the truth…
Or do you?
Do you recognize my nature
My words and emotions?
Is it really you
Who can’t let go
And refuse to end it
For if this is true,
Then there is no return for me.
Our paths must split
Hopefully they’ll lead us to better places.
And by doing so,
We can finally be free of each other’s presence
And reach our fullest potentials.

[Overcaffeinated Sloth offline]

A haikiu is fun
But some times they make no sense
Refrigerator

[Just_Jaine offline]

Hey, hey, hey, all! Jaine’s back and ready to post!!! Yes I did disappear for a while but DD found me dragged me back. Ok that isn’t exactly how the conversation went but the important thing is I’m back with poems and comments. Oh and DD if I disappear again just hit me on the head a couple of time with an empty glass bottle…that should to the trick.

Next up , my poem. This is from the end of December but it, I think, is one of my best. Tell me what you think.

The pain of every hurtful word you uttered
Of thoughtless comments softly muttered
The pain of solitude and neglect
Of fights where I did not object
The pain of standards set to high
Of trying so hard until I cried
The pain of feeling my spirit crushed
Of those dreadful thoughts I though too much
The pain of not knowing right from wrong
Of standing my ground and pretending I'm strong
The pain of promises you never kept
Of the day when I sat down and wept
The pain of everything you put me through
But I'm still here I just don't know what to

I have another poem I’m thinking of posting…but it’s rather personal so I don’t know yet. Anywho here are all my comments.


DD- I really like your poems! Specially the last one, first stanza. It was beautifully written and had powerful content. ^^

Stonecreak- O.o Your first poem wierded me out a bit. Your second one I couldn’t really understand…maybe that’s because its 12am here…I’ll try again later. oh, and thank you for caring of about me. It means a lot to me. (you too DD) and if you want to know more just PM me.

Carth- I liked your poem! It was very, very linear it seemed to me.

Reesane- Cool poem =) it really down to earth. Puts a nice perspective on PE.

Anglebolt- I'm glad your contributing to our journal but your post lacked substance and emotion. Almost a joke on what we try to write on this page. I'm sure this wasn't your intent, but in the future please refrain from posting poems without meaning. Oh and please comment on other people’s work.

I’m sorry my comments are so short but its late and I cant think too well. I’ll do better next round (hopefully)!

[Stonecreek]

EDITED 6/25/07: I come back from vacation and this still has not been replied to yet. So, I deleted my old post and replaced it with this one, mainly to bump without double posting. Anyway, don't let this poetry journal die! It's been off to a good start.

Now, for the old message...

JAINE!!! Squee! Welcome back! As for your poem, the rhyme flows nicely because you kept an eye out for weak and strong beats and syllable count. Only error I noticed - in line five, to should be too.

AngelBolt - Indeed, your poem does not make any sense. Haikus are usually about nature, but some times they are not. It got a minor chuckle out of me.

Maikoru-kun - Your poem felt overly long to me. You kept finding ways to say basically the same thing over and over. Give the poem a trim, and the message will still be there for the reader to see.

As for me, since AB posted a haiku, I will, too. Well, a haiku string...

Midsummer Love Poem

Why are we outside,
shirts stuck in the smalls of backs?
Sweat is not your friend.

The sun is scorching
merciless in its beating
rays upon us all.

The grass is dry, brown.
It crunches under your feet,
trailing small dust clouds.

The trees turn early
the leaves all colors but green
provide little shade.

The winds bring the heat
and never the thunderstorms
to quench the parched ground.

All life is dormant
for a three-month siesta
waiting for the fall.

But what about you?
You had mentioned the weather.
Sorry I rambled.

[Carth]

I feel like I need to reply. 0_0

Angelbolt, I liked yours. Yeah...haiku doesn't have to be about nature. They once gave my class an assignment to write a haiku in second grade. I wrote it about Pikachu. (Pokemon was really popular then.) Never, ever ask me to recite it. I can only remember the last line anyway.

Jaine- You're the other poetry person! Hi there. Pretty and depressing-ish, your poem is.

Stonecreek, your poem is, as always, slightly out of the ordinary, but still excellent and easy on the eyes.

Now, I have to contribute something. Lesee...I'm not in a romantic enough mood to write about...someone. I've got two ideas stuck in my head, one silly and one scary. Hm...save the scary for another post, I'm going with silly.

Chicken Fight

It's kind of hard
To be this high up in the air
And be entirely sure
I will not fall.
The bottom of the pool is hard cement.

The boy holds me well
His hands are on my legs
He is laughing
Teasing me for my weight.
Ha, serves him right.

The other team assembles
Another girl
In a pink flowered bikini
In the arms of a boy.
He is a lot stronger than mine.

The teams approach
There is no real start
I grab her shoulders
And begin to push.
I hear the others cheering below.

We grapple above the surface
Locked in intense passion
Unaware of anything else
That could be going on.
Behind us, a dog pees in the pool.

She is stronger than I
And I begin to waver
My supporter gives way
And I fall headfirst
But do not hit the bottom.
The cheering swells.

I get up.
I laugh.
I climb back on.

---

That poem feels really weird to me. I dunno why. It's inspired by chicken fights I saw during a solid week of pool parties brought on by graduation. I was not in any of them. I wish I was.

[YDV offline]

...Yay! xD;;; That was.. interesting. I liked the part with the dog.

I likes yours, Stoney. I love haikus and poems about nature.

Yeah, here's something I wrote for my CW portfolio.

People

People of this world
Have such a slew
Of problems to get through
And more to unfold
When someone is wronged
And no one's around to see
They just sing a happy song
And keep going, staring at the trees

There's a cruel dilemma
Called lack of love
That's rampant and tremors
Everywhere
Like an infectious disease
That spreads across the seas
Is there a hope?
Any way that we, as people
Can learn to cope?

Yes, I say
The solution is clear
Just take the time
To disperse some fear
Spread love, it's not a crime
It's quite natural in fact
And if everyone took a moment
To dig up this artifact
This world full of people
Who treat each other as they do
Would remodel
Transform, metamorphose,
Coalese, ignite, spark,
And revolutionize.

Yeah. I normally do NOT write anything that rhymes. Like. Ever. So. xD;;

[Stonecreek]

Carth/Mahree - That was hilarious. Very well-paced, with a nice, engaging voice narrating the poem. More please!

YDV-kachou (what's up with that name anyway?) - The poem had a really nice flow, but some of the rhymes were really forced (like fact and artifact). That's OK, you said you never do rhyming. The poem's title is so broad, I'm not sure exactly what the focus of the poem is supposed to be about, either.

Time to unload another of the poems I've had lying dormant since the first poetry journal closed.

Touche

I'd do it, because you're my friend.

But only if you'd stop there,
and I know you wouldn't.

Power corrupts, and abuses come easy
after the first is out of the way.
I don't wish to be a doorway to anything but your happiness.

So I have to refuse you
and your kind offer with illicit implications.
I do not wish to be used like that,
Not even by those that I hold close.

You're the one I hold closest of all,
so hearing this from you shakes me a little,
that foundation we had,
the one I thought was strong,
now has stress fractures, and they're spreading.

It is because I hold you in so high a regard
that I may just pretend this never happened at all -
that our friendship was not just a means to an end -
that you mean it when you say apologetic words -
but my lingering doubts are not so easily sated.

So I ask you what you asked of me,
and the look I get is scandalized.
It's good to see I can still affect you.
I'm beginning to see why you liked this.

Turnabout is fair play, and all that crap,
but I still don't like sinking to your level
just to prove my point.

Your eyes soften, but only for an instant.
We will never be the same again.

I did it, because you were my friend.

[Shi_Min_Xi offline]

Ahahahahahaha oops. xD I phail at life right about now...And I'll continue to phail during this post.

Reviews~

AB: -Yes, pretty sure you're tired of hearing this but....- Haikus, although do not have to be about nature -look at A:TLA for that one. xD- Should generally have some meaning towards it besides the fact that they do not make sense (although it often is the case that the one reading does not understand the meanings towards it.)

Jaine~~~~~~: You hath returned~! (even if I did drag you back but ) Your poem rhymed and is a nice portration (word..y/n?). We should do a jointed effort againnnnnn.

Ever faithful Stonecreek~: A fun string of haikus. That was quite entertaining~

Carth-tan/Mahree~: Oh? I liked the narration there. Quite descriptive of the overview of the scene~

<s>YDV?! GIVING US POETRY?!!? xDD:</s> Ewww rhyme, gtfo. xD Quite true, I must say~

Stoney xD: Many different implications there, thought I might see what you were aiming for....

As for myself, I must say that I continue to phail and drag up a poem that I dunno...was towards the end of my poem writing spree...

But anyways, in keep with the spirit. Here ya go~

The dark ocean goes back and forth
Up and down, controlled by the moon
The moon was the first waterbender
And from there we progressed
Push and pull, the waves were created
The fish, helpless in their destinies
Flow along with their life
The algae, sitting lazily up top
Floats along on its merry way
A whole new world underneath
Hidden with a layer of water on top
A peaceful outlook it gives us
We dare not disturb the tranquility it produces
And so, the city is safe

[Malkmusian offline]

Here's my poem. It's a bit short, though, and a bit experimental (I don't believe a poem has to rhyme or have to be stereotypical):

Drifting away from the land,
The girl looks at the sky and wonders where she is in the world.
Duh, she's in France, what do you expect?
Sorry; I got a little too carried away.
Well, she is standing on a beach,
Boots don't do good, so she stands in bare feet.
The tide rushes up to her legs, tickling her mildly.

Soon, William walks to the pink-haired girl,
His teeth as white as snow.
He's not a gas to be seen, like Gordon said.
He walks to her and puts his hand on her shoulder.
She puts a smile on her face.
They walk off the beach, hand in hand,
Soon starting their relation.

[Stonecreek]

Malkmusian - I like your views on poetry, but please adhere to the thread's main rule - comment on those poems that came before yours. We all like feedback. About your poem - rare to see fan-poems here. I like the aloof nature of the poem, the tone in which it carried itself. The phrasing at times was weak (not a gas to be seen), but the point was well-received.

He Who Has Dreamed (SMX) - Hmm, struck-out text doesn't show up as such on my computer. But that's besides the point. Your poem only had one problem - I don't get the city at the end. The whole poem was very spiritual and soothing, but then you add an element of averted danger at the end that doesn't fit. Very technically sound, though.

And now, another older pome from me. This one is from the spring of 2004, I think. Thsi wasn't written in response to any one event; it's just a culmination of pent-up feelings on the matter.

How about the war?

Do you really want to see
combatants in tutus?
That's what a dance of death
boils down to.
There is no glamour
to behold in their struggle.
Only empty causes shine
through their bitter clash.

Isn't it necessary
to dress up the negative,
airbrush the grotesque
to let the beauty within emerge?
Presentation is everything
when there's no foundation.
Justification
Approval
These are the signs of true victory.

[Shi_Min_Xi offline]

<b>Malkmusian</b>: Ditto on the rules thing. Poem itself, I think it's the first CL poem we've ever had. I like the narration as it's not like "A led to B which led to C". It had a more personal touch to it. Nice~

<b>Stoney-sensei~:</b> It doesn't?! D: That's a shame. Ahaha, the city. I was kind of imagining like an ancient rebel force that plans under the water which secretly translates to...I needed something to continue with the peacefulness and not disrupting it. xD Poem~ I really like the last stanza, it's quite something to ponder about.

There could potentially be a double meaning in this poem if you can spot it (or just me being <s>Alooza</s> stupid)~

For his lonely eyes wandered across the page
Searching for a certain word
But alas he never found it
And so he must pick up another page
Beginning his search once again

Time after time, his search fails
But still he keeps hunting.
He doesn't know why,
He just knows he must find this one word.

After pages and pages
Of endless hunting
He found that word
And lo and behold,
It was on the first page.

[Stonecreek]

The poem seems simple, HWOD. I don't like the comma in the second line, and in the second verse, it should be time after time. Other than that, it is a nice exploration of a journey of discovery.

As for my poem, not much to say. It rhymes. It's narrative. It's...a poem.

Carnivore

Hidden from his inteded quary
the carnivore sits patiently.
Waiting for his victim to falter
and leave him an opportunity.

One ill-timed blink and he's off
to capture tonight's big prize.
The prey is caught flat-footed
against an opponent twice his size.

A squelch and the skin is pierced.
Scared eyes dart to and fro
as the last vestiges are drained.
The predator does not let go.

Torn flesh dangles limp
from lips smeared crimson.
A predatory smile unfurls,
bearing the killing weapon.

Alabastor teeth stained
with remnants of the prey
tear into the departed
for nournishment this day.

A meal is to be savored,
the hunt to be revered.
The kill is near orgasmic,
the stalker to be feared.

[Shi_Min_Xi offline]

Stonecreek: That imagery made me go o_X. Quite graphic. In other words, really really nice. Good job. xD

My next poem's written about the ever so famous football game between my school and our rivals. I dunno, it was an assignment and at the moment I'm too brain dead to think up of another poem. xD

The Game

“The Orange Tiger to be killed!”
Or so the cheers proclaim
The sweat from the players is enough to prove this point.
The forceful game determines it all
The excitement in the air is all that one ever needs.
The football’s in the air
The prideful players trample the grass
A goal is made
The crowd chants again
The other side boos back
And the pattern goes on
And in the end,
A victor is determined
And the Tigers are no more
The players held their pride and honor.[/b]

[Just_Jaine offline]

Midsummer Love Poem… Stonecreek… all I can say is that’s amazing. It told a story and was all a haiku. O.O!!!!!!!!

Hey Mahree! I don’t think we’ve met before…so nice to meet you. Um yes I guess I’m the other poetry person…but my names Cami. But a lot of people will call me Jaine. You can call me which ever you choice. Ok enough small talk. I really enjoyed your poem. When I first read the title I thought of this speech one of my class mates made on cock fights (or something like that). I liked the point of view your wrote from in your poem.

YDV!!!! Yeah! That was an awesome poem. And its so ture. If people could love and learn to love the world would be a better place. Hey we would IM sometime. I havent talked to you in 4-ev-er…maybe we could do another four way chat between you, lani, DD, and me.)

Touché- Stonecreek I liked how your poem showed both strangth and confusion all at the same time. Like the you in the poem was asking forgiveness and giving they’re excuses knowing what they had to do but yet dreading, it but still doing what was hard.

DD- Avatar??? Even if it wasn’t the flow was beatiful. If felt like water itself the way the worlds blended together. Great job!!!

Malkmusian- I like how your poem told a story. Even though it was about love it had some deepth that really cought my attention. (Im not so in to love poems )Like they way you started could have gone a million different ways. I really enjoyed it.

How about the war?- Thats my exact positon on on the war. I couldn’t have said it better. Your poem was beatiful in all its deadly beauty.

DD- A double meaning huh? Love perhaps? Then again it could mean a number of things. My favert part was that the guy never stopped trying. My only question was why did you start with the word “for”? It didn’t seem nessisary to me…

Carnivore- Stonecreek- Alittle on the gorry side. I don’t really know what to say…it just makes me feel sick to my stomach. But I think that’s just me…

DD- It was very very school spiret oriented. Ive never (or aleast in a while) seen you write a poem queite like this… It was interesting! Btw you have an extra symble at the end that you will want to remove.

Ok that was too many coments… I hope you enjoy reading them for all the time it took me to right them. (1 ½ min) And now for my poem. Its in spanish so I will put a tranlation so anyone who doesn’t know spanish can read it.

RIP,
Mi angel de la muerte,
RIP.

Su tiempo fue terminada,
Mi angel de la muerte,
Su tiempo fue terminada.

Yo no vei el carro,
Mi angel de la muerte,
No vei el carro.

Y ahora tu estas muerto,
Mi angel de la muerte,
Ahora tu estas muerto.

Mi angel,
Mi angel de la muerte.





RIP,
My angel of death,
RIP.

Your time has ended,
My angel of death,
Your time has ended.

I didn’t see the car,
My angel of death,
I didn’t see the car.

And now you are dead,
My angel of death,
Now you are dead.

My angel,
My angel of death.

[Carth]

Hiya Jaine! Yes, I'm Mahree (a corruption of Mary) but my username's Carth most of the time. I liked your poem, though I can't tell if it's happy or sad or not. Is it good if an angel of death dies? I dunno...

I need to think of a poem...wee, I got a good one.

You Loved Me

It was a snowy day
Sometime in July
when you told me you loved me.

It was cold and bitter
But my insides were warmed
when you told me you loved me.

I could tell from your eyes
your uneasy smile
the way that your hands
twisted over your shirt
the way that your voice
would cut off and stammer
that you'd tell me you loved me.

You sat me down
Tumbling over your words
Making too many excuses
I did not understand
And I knew from your face
You did not want to be hurt
the day that you told me you loved me.

I never wanted you to stall
I knew all along
How you felt even before
you told me you loved me.

I wanted to hear you say it
So I could be sure
That my own feelings were safe
And I would not be broken
By thinking in ways
That would not be best for you
If I ever told you I loved you.

Now you've gone past the stalling
The words are all out
You're waiting for my answer
With bated breath
I see the rogue on your cheeks
From the cold (or embarassment)
And I look in your eyes
Now that you've told me you love me.

Your eyes are beautiful.

Don't worry.
I can never hurt you.

I love you.

---

Awww. It's based on a true story. One of my best friends in MapleStory- the MMORPG I play- asked me to be his in-game girlfriend yesterday. Yaaaay...

[Malkmusian offline]

Carth, great love poem.

Here's a new poem from me:


A pink-haired maiden sits on the chair,
Her eyes revolving around the Mustang Jr.
She can feel the baby kicking inside of her;
It feels very serene to her.

Her husband, a computer whiz, has finished,
Whippin' the daylights out of his son.
He walks to his wife and starts kissing her,
and soon, they engage in inappropriate activities.
(Not that inappropriate, though; more like bowling)

They climb onto the bed and sleep;
He turns on the TV and searches the channel.
Meanwhile, she feels that her daughter's coming in;
Causing the storyline to be made.

[Stonecreek]

SMX - I'm gonna call you that because I wanna. As for the poem, it could do with more specifics. It feels like any generic match would. I want to see what set it apart and made it worthy to have a poem written about it.

Jaine - Yay, still here! As for the poem, in Spanish it sounded so good, because it's Spanish and a lot of stuff sounds good. In English, the repitition came across too much. Perhaps add mroe to it...

Carth - Your best poem, easily. Here, the repitition is not so often, and it adds a pattern to help the narrative flow. Very good.

Malkmusian - I'd love to see what you could do if freed from the confines of the fan-poem. Best line, by far - "(Not that inappropriate, though; more like bowling)"

As for me, this poem's only three months old. It has a form - see if you can find it. It was also centered when I first wrote it, and have no clue as to how to do that here.

Blame

You!
Wake up and
see what you have caused,
all the lives torn asunder
and left to drift away in the breeze.
To ignore what you have done
is a greater crime
than the wrongs
done.

Done
are the lies
you say to yourself.
It's your fault things are this way,
just as it's your task to set them right.
To let the healing begin
you must accept this -
smile and be
you.

[Malkmusian offline]

Stonecreek, the poem was pretty good. I mean, I loved it's point.

Here's a poem (and, no, it's not a fan-poem):

The admin, a Mew, types on her laptop,
Looking for spammers to ban today.
She stands up and listens to the bell at her high school,
Sounding not so serene.
She stands up and puts her shoes on,
Then gets up from the ledge and walks to school.

Soon, a man with a sniper tries to shoot her,
But she fires her energy blast and makes him fall.
She meets up with her friend, Rhys, and goes to chemistry,
Watching the elements blow up the teacher.
She stands up and says to the class,
Well, she didn't say anything at all.
She just fell asleep.