Talon chapter 1 the new kid

[ligerdarktalon offline]

just the first half of a prequel i'm writing, before i get into the real story. it provides some background info about my character Talon. just thought i'd share it so mabye i can get some reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4809661/1/Talon

[emoBillâ„¢ offline]

The thing is (and Tekirai will agree with me if she sees this), every Code Lyoko fanfiction on FF.net is like this nowadays. Girl meets CL gang, gets praised for something, turns out to know about Lyoko or have special powers, goes into the gang, yayyyyy the end.

Firstly, the fact that Odd is fascinated with her and her drawings. Okay, maybe he likes them, and maybe she's a good artist, but you have to make your character have some flaws. Right now, she's an amazing artist, a mutant shapeshifter who kills Bloks without (possibly) even having seen them before and knowing their weaknesses, etc.

Then she shows them her powers. Come on. If you were a mutant shapeshifter, you'd probably try to hide your powers, right? Otherwise you'd get dissected in a science lab. She knows Team Lyoko for a day and suddenly she's showing them her powers. Okay. So maybe she did it to help Kadic. But if this really happened, she'd probably wait until it was absolutely necessary for her to show them.

And of course the kitten. She has a kitten just like Odd has a dog. That is so overdone nowadays. Honestly.

And the grammar. Lord. The grammar. No punctuation except for periods and quotation marks. Did you ever read a book and see punctuation inside of the quotation marks? That's what you need to do.

I can pretty much predict the outcome of the story from here. If you need a beta reader and some advice, I'm here to help. Just don't come back going, 'UR M33N MI STOREE'S FINE JUS TEH WAYYY IT IZ.' or 'MI ENGLISH TEECHER RED IT N SHE SED IT WUZ FINE.' Because I'll blow up at you...or just scream into a pillow until I lose my voice. It's con-crit, okay? I used to say the stuff up there, but now I get it.

I'm not saying every writer is like that. I just have to warn people ahead of time so I don't throw logic out the window and post some kind of violent 'I HATE UR CHLDRN K' reply.

So. Hello.

[TheAppleFreak]

The thing is (and Tekirai will agree with me if she sees this), every Code Lyoko fanfiction on FF.net is like this nowadays. Girl meets CL gang, gets praised for something, turns out to know about Lyoko or have special powers, goes into the gang, yayyyyy the end.

Firstly, the fact that Odd is fascinated with her and her drawings. Okay, maybe he likes them, and maybe she's a good artist, but you have to make your character have some flaws. Right now, she's an amazing artist, a mutant shapeshifter who kills Bloks without (possibly) even having seen them before and knowing their weaknesses, etc.

Then she shows them her powers. Come on. If you were a mutant shapeshifter, you'd probably try to hide your powers, right? Otherwise you'd get dissected in a science lab. She knows Team Lyoko for a day and suddenly she's showing them her powers. Okay. So maybe she did it to help Kadic. But if this really happened, she'd probably wait until it was absolutely necessary for her to show them.

And of course the kitten. She has a kitten just like Odd has a dog. That is so overdone nowadays. Honestly.

And the grammar. Lord. The grammar. No punctuation except for periods and quotation marks. Did you ever read a book and see punctuation inside of the quotation marks? That's what you need to do.

I can pretty much predict the outcome of the story from here. If you need a beta reader and some advice, I'm here to help. Just don't come back going, 'UR M33N MI STOREE'S FINE JUS TEH WAYYY IT IZ.' or 'MI ENGLISH TEECHER RED IT N SHE SED IT WUZ FINE.' Because I'll blow up at you...or just scream into a pillow until I lose my voice. It's con-crit, okay? I used to say the stuff up there, but now I get it.

I'm not saying every writer is like that. I just have to warn people ahead of time so I don't throw logic out the window and post some kind of violent 'I HATE UR CHLDRN K' reply.

So. Hello.

*peers out from behind barricade*
Okay...

I haven't read it yet, but jugding from what I have read on FF.net, it does sound like what is currently up there.

[emoBillâ„¢ offline]

The thing is, people assume they can write whatever they want and put it on FF.net nowadays. Not saying this is the case with all stories, as it's not, but for a major part, it is. What happened to trying to write a good story and accepting con-crit?

If I come across harsh, I don't much care anymore. I've had it with annoying newbies that say their English teacher said it was good. Either it had good punctuation and spelling and grammar on the paper they turned in, or their English teacher needs to go back to first grade and repeat their education.

That comment has seriously happened like twenty times to me.

I'm sick of it. Really.

[TheAppleFreak]

The thing is, people assume they can write whatever they want and put it on FF.net nowadays. Not saying this is the case with all stories, as it's not, but for a major part, it is. What happened to trying to write a good story and accepting con-crit?

If I come across harsh, I don't much care anymore. I've had it with annoying newbies that say their English teacher said it was good. Either it had good punctuation and spelling and grammar on the paper they turned in, or their English teacher needs to go back to first grade and repeat their education.

That comment has seriously happened like twenty times to me.

I'm sick of it. Really.

Sorry if I offended you; I didn't mean to.