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Code Lyoko:REWRITE

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If you've read it, who's your favorite character so far?

Angela
2
67%
Julio
1
33%
Patricia
0
No votes
 
Total votes : 3

Code Lyoko:REWRITE

Postby KAiRO » Sat Oct 04, 2008 12:07 am

This is a fanfic me, my best friend, Julio, and an old friend of ours in 7th grade thought of last year. Julio thinks of the story ideas, I just write 'em.

My writing for stories like this is kinda terrible, so forgive me on that. Ironically, I do have an A in English though and its the class I always exceed in....oh well. This is my very first fanfic ever. Hopefully I'll get better.

Summary: It's been long while since the original Lyoko Warriors destroyed XANA, but he's back and ready to destroy anyone that gets in his way. It's up to a new generation of Lyoko Warriors to put him to rest, for eternity. Can you keep a secret?

Story Rating: For now I will keep it at half PG and half PG-13. Since the some chapters don't really have that much cussing in it. But I think one chapter says the "B"-dog word, ay'. Mods and Admins, you have the right to change it of course :).

The characters are REAL people in reality. I'm Angela, btw.

Anyways I hope you enjoy it.

Book 1- Chapter 1: The Adventure Begins
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Postby ginolyoko12 » Sat Oct 04, 2008 7:25 pm

You made yourself so sarcastic. XD

Oh well, continue on with the story. I wanna read what happens. :)
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Postby emoBillâ„¢ » Mon Dec 01, 2008 5:42 pm

REVIEW NAZI COMING UP.

Sorry. Years of constructive criticism and junk have made me what I am.

"Hey, Julio, what time is it," the girl whispers.


There should be a question mark in place of the comma.

"You're failing this class too," whispered Julio.


What does that have to do with anything? And explain why 'the girl' can't see the clock so I can safely assume she's not stupid or blind.

"So," said the girl.


Question mark instead of comma.

"Angela," said the teacher.


Tense change: present to past. Also, how did he say it? Sternly? Kindly?

She sits up straight, "I'm up!"


Tense change: past to present. Also, period in place of comma, or add 'and says' and move the comma to after 'says'.

"Angela," the teacher says one more time.


Again, how? And why is he asking again? There isn't much clarification on this.

"Yeah, dude, I mean, ," said Angela.


The teacher's name seems to have mysteriously disappeared.

"Are you taking notes," asked .


Question mark instead of comma and his name disappeared again.

Angela looks down at her paper and sees her doodles, "Yes sir."


Comma change to period. Comma in front of 'Yes'.

"Okay, when did George Washington die," asked .


Comma change to period. Name was kidnapped again.

"Uh...at the...end of his life," Angela says nervously.


Good joke XD

The class bursts out in laughter. The bell rings.


It should probably be 'bursts into laughter'. Also, describe the bell ringing a bit more, like 'The bell's repetitive ringing noise sliced through the class's hysterics.'

tells the class as they leave, "Study your notes. There's going to be a quiz tomorrow."


Name abduction.

Julio giggles.


That sounds a bit girly to me. I dunno. IMHO.

The two catch up with her.


Right now I am imagining this girl as a faceless blob. You're going to have to describe these people a bit more, but not blocky like 'He had black hair and glasses and blue pants.' Try introducing it like 'He brushed a hand through his black hair and readjusted his glasses.' Julio's name gives me the impression that he's probably Hispanic, but that just makes him a Hispanic blob to me.

"Yeah. asked Angela when did George Washington die and she said-," Julio says while laughing.


Name abduction. If you're going to cut it off, make more of an impact by placing the 'Julio says while laughing' in front of the quote, changing the period to a comma, and then lose the comma at the end of the sentence. Then you can have the slash and right after, Angela will say her thing.

"I said, shut it," said Angela.


You can probably do without the comma in the middle of the saying. To make it seem more like she's interrupting, change it to 'Angela interrupted' or something of the sort.

"I was working on Lyoko," said Patricia.


Subject change much? Not that it matters, but it seemed a little not normal for everyday talk.

"That virtual world," asked Julio


Asking or saying? Also, there's no period at the end. You need to change the comma to a question mark.

"Yes," said Patricia.


There's too many 'said's in the story, try using 'commented' or 'agreed' or something of the sort. Also, if you want to really make it like everyday talk she should probably say 'yeah' instead of 'yes'.

"Dude, as much as I love computers and Mecha'd Futuristic Turbo-ey Animes. There are no such thing as virtual worlds," said Angela.


Change the period after 'Animes' to a comma. Uncapitalize the 'there' after you change the period. Uncapitalize 'Mecha'd', 'Futuristic', 'Turbo-ey' and 'Animes'. None of those words are proper nouns. Also, how would she know that's what it's like if she doesn't believe in it? If Patricia told her, that was kind of pretty stupid of her. Of course, different people act differently.

And Lyoko isn't an anime. Even if it was, no one would refer to it in that manner, since to them it's real life. And 'turbo-ey' should probably be spelled 'turbo-y', since there's no adjective for it.

"You like futuristic Anime," Julio and Patricia asks Angela.


Comma change to a question mark. Take the 's' off of 'asks' since there are two people asking.

"Yeah, didn't you see the posters and toys in my room? Besides all that Bleach and FMA stuff I have alot of Gundam, Eureka Seven and Zoids," Angela tells the two.


Put a comma after 'stuff'and change 'alot' to 'a lot'.

"I wouldn't either. And the last time we went in there. I found a half eaten pork-chop," Julio says disgusted.


Comma after 'says'. You're doing well portraying her room.

"Actually it was a 2 month old half eaten beef rib cooked medium well," corrected Angela.


Hyphen between half and eaten. Hyphen between medium and well. Good job on the 'corrected'. Although you changed tense to past again.

Julio and Patricia walk away disgusted.


Comma after 'away'.

Angela catches up with them, "Oh, come on guys! I threw it away already! I was saving it for Arturo when he comes back so he can eat it!"


Comma change after 'them' to a period. And who's Arturo?

A little while later. The three are outside spending their lunchtime.


Period change after 'later' to a comma. Uncapitalize the 'The'.

"That's what you think," Patricia tells the two.


You're overusing 'tells'. Start broadening your verbs for saying.

Sirens and cars crashing are heard.


Coincidence? Clever planning on Xana's part? Heck, I don't really care, but it seems fishy. Try and remember real-world happenings. And how close were the crashings? Also, if sirens and car-crashings are heard, that would mean that they both arrived at the same time, which means the cops can see the future.

"What the hell was that," asked Julio.


Comma change to a question mark. He just asks? He doesn't yell? I'd be yelling if I heard cars crashing right near me.

"Angela, it's not a good time to joke around. We have to get out of here," Patricia warns to the two.


'The two' is also being overused. Take out the 'to' after 'warns'.

"To the locker room," Angela suggests.


Uh, why?

"There's a boy in the locker room," a girl yells.


Yelling is usually followed by an exclamation point. And a car crash just occured and they're worrying about a boy in the locker room? Why were they in there during lunch.

"I'm gonna go to my locker and get my laptop," Patricia tells the two.


Again, 'the two'. And why the laptop? She's not going to explain?

"Everybody, stay down," said one of the teachers.


He/she just magically appeared in the locker room, I guess...

"Holy crap," said Angela.
"Julio, Angela, come over here," said Patricia.


Tense change: present to past.

Julio and Angela walk around the other frightened girls. They sit down on the bench.


Tense change: past to present.

"What's wrong," asked Angela.


Comma change to a question mark.

"You said you didn't believe that there was a virtual world," said Patricia, "this is the only proof I need to show you two it exists."


Comma after 'Patricia' needs to become a period and 'this' needs to be capitalized.

"Is that, Lyoko," asked Angela.


Comma change after 'that'. Erase it. Comma change after 'Lyoko' to a question mark.

"So how does that pertain to this event of our lives ending in about an hour," asked Angela.


Comma change after 'hour' to a question mark.

"See that symbol? That symbol is for a virus called XANA. That's the thing that wants to destroy the world," explained Patricia.


Last time I checked, that was the symbol of Lyoko. It just came to also mean Xana.

"Okay. So how do you expect us to destroy this thing. Hello? We're 12, we're not cops or psycho geniuses ," asked Angela.


Bring the comma after 'genuises' back a space.

"Wait at the Warehousing Area," asked Angela.


Comma after 'wait', comma change after 'area' to a question mark.

"What," Julio and Patricia ask.


Comma change after 'what' to a question mark.

"So dude, the Warehousing Area," asked Angela.


Comma change after 'area' to a question mark. Tense change: present to past. Keep it in one tense.

"Cool," said Angela as she walks away.


Two different tenses in the same sentence.

"Then don't be a moron," exclaimed Julio and Patricia


No period at the end of the sentence.

Gunshots are heard.


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, OMIGOD. Inside joke. Hilarious. Anyway, put 'more' (took me like 3 tries to type that right, what a moron) in front of 'Gunshots' and uncapitalize 'Gunshots'.

"Run," yelled Angela.


Comma change to exclamation mark.

The three run to the warehouse and escape the gunfire and the cops.


So now there are cops? I'm assuming that the sirens actually were police cars, but you didn't tell us that. They could be air raid sirens for all we know. Assume your audience is very, very naive. Kinda. And who the heck is shooting?

They make it in one piece.


As opposed to three pieces? This is a very cliche-d statement, try to reword it.

Inside are computers and technology beyond your wildest dreams.


Beyond my wildest dreams? I've seen the show, so I think they're pretty familiar to me. Change 'your' to 'their'. You never want to address the audience as 'you' unless it's one of those weird one-in-a-thousand books that refers to the main character as 'you'.

"Julio, I think our lives just took a turn for the worst," said Angela.


I think it's 'worse', not 'worst'. And I thought she loved this stuff. Also, you could make her a bit more surprised that Patricia was telling the truth.

"Oww, that hurt," complained Angela as she gets up.


Two different tenses in one sentence.

"Where are we," asked Julio.


Comma change to a question mark, and change the tense to present, since you seem to write mostly in that.

"Holy crap! Were on Lyoko," exclaimed Julio and Angela.


Put an apostrophe in between 'we' and 're' in the 'were'. If they exclaimed it, put another exclamation point after 'Lyoko'. And they both said it at the same time? Because that's what it looks like by how you wrote it.

"Atmosphere here is different. It's not like the real world," said Angela, "plus I just said real world."


Comma change after 'Angela' to a period, then capitalize 'plus'. And how can she tell that the atmosphere is different?

She takes out a katana from its sheath and swings it around.


Where's the sheath? In the air? Underwater? Try putting 'from its sheath, which was located on her hip' or something like that.

"What's with the weapons," asked Angela.


Comma change to a question mark.

"It's like a video game," said Julio


Add a period at the end of 'Julio'.

"Lyoko isn't just some video game, where you can just restart the game if you fail a mission. If you fail a mission here, you let the world down," Patricia tells


Patricia tells who?

"What do you mean," asked Angela.


Comma change to a question mark.

"Lyoko and Earth are connected. When XANA launches an attack. It can reach Earth. We have to deactivate the towers he activates in order to stop him," Patricia explained the two.


Period change after 'attack' to a comma, and uncapitilixe the 'it'. And you're overusing 'tells the two' again. You changed tense to past, in the last sentence too.

"So if we fail a mission here, XANA's one step closer to destroying the Earth," asked Julio.


Change 'asked' to 'said' and make it present tense.

A monster comes out of nowhere.


Describe it, remember how I told you to. No blocks. Just casual description. And did it appear out of thin air? 'Nowhere' doesn't give me much idea.

"What is that," exclaimed Julio


Comma change to a question mark followed by an exclamation mark, and you need to add a period after 'Julio'. Tense change.

"It's called a Blok," said Patricia, "it's our enemy."


Comma change after 'Patricia' to a period, then capitalize the 'it's'.

"Well if it's our enemy, why the hell are we just standing here," said Angela.


Comma after 'well', then change the comma after 'here' to a question mark, change 'said' to 'asked' and change the tense back to present.

The three dodge them.


They spend two minutes on Lyoko and already they're pros? Dodging doesn't take much practice, but they can't do it right off the bat. Bloks' lasers are powerful.

"So where is this activated tower," asked Julio


Comma change to a question mark, change tense back to present, and add a period after 'Julio'.

"I know where it is. Just follow my lead," said Patricia.


Change tense back to present.

Angela takes out her katana and slices the Blok, destroying it.


She magically knows to hit the Xana symbol? Just asking.

Another monster appears.


Casual description is your friend.

"Don't attack when it charges up for it's laser. That thing is an automatic devirtualization if you're hit," Patricia tells her.


Change 'it's' to 'its' to show possession.

Angela is ready to attack, "Right."


How do they know she's ready? What kind of stance is she in? Change the comma after 'attack' to a period.

"Not too shabby," said Angela, "but say kahmusta to my little friend!"


Kahmusta...?

Meanwhile, Julio and Patricia make it to the towers location.


Apostrophe between 'r' and 's' in 'towers'.

"Just sit down and wait. I'm start a 'Return to the Past'," she tells him.


Put 'going to' in between 'I'm' and 'start'.

"Wait, were going back in time," he asks.


Comma change after 'time' to a question mark.

Patricia walks inside the tower and opens the monitor. She types in the code, "Lyoko."


Describe the tower more. Imagine you're talking to someone who's never seen the show. Also, the code isn't 'Lyoko', the tower just recognizes Aelita's data. As far as I know 0_0

"Did we just go back in freakin time," asked Angela.


Comma change to a question mark, and add an apostrophe after the 'freakin' since it's shortened.

"Did we," asked Julio.


Comma change to a question mark.

"I can't believe Lyoko is real," exclaimed Angela, "can't wait to go back. The excitement. The fighting. Y'know the, Pew, Pew, Pew! Sinck, Sinck, Sinck! "


Comma change after 'Angela' to a period. Add an 'I' before 'can't'. You're also writing in past tense for the past three sentences. But the last part of the sentence was funny XD

"Hey, Patty, you obviously have no imagination. Isn't this your first Lyoko trip or did you ready go," asked Angela.


Add 'al' to 'ready' so it's 'already'. Comma change after 'go' to a question mark.

"Sort of," said Patricia.


Sort of what?

"XANA may be a demonic artificial intelligence trying to take over the world, but c'mon dude, from this day forward, we're super heroes now," said Angela.


Tense change again.

"And the heroes always win," added Julio.


Tense change again.

Other than that, it was good. The spacing was a bit awkward. Don't yell at me, I'm trying to be helpful.

6.5/10

If you need a beta reader, I'm right here. ;)
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Postby KAiRO » Tue Dec 02, 2008 10:28 pm

^
holy crap. thats what i call a review....phew!

i kinda stopped writing CL Rewrite due to boredom like 3 months ago, but hey, i need help on writing stories on the internetz. which i really dont get cause Im suuuppper good at writing at school.

thanks a bunch :)
My cousin on here is GinoLyoko12. :)
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Postby emoBillâ„¢ » Sun Dec 07, 2008 3:02 pm

Ahahahaha, I used to hate reviews that did that when I was a young writer, but now I'm a teenager and I'm like 'Y'know what? It helps!' I use correct grammar in all my sentences now. I'm the girl who will write her texts in all correct grammar and punctuation...I'm kinda OCD about it xP

If you need a beta reader, then I'm here ^_^
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Postby JesusFreak » Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:18 pm

Aelita wrote:Ahahahaha, I used to hate reviews that did that when I was a young writer, but now I'm a teenager and I'm like 'Y'know what? It helps!' I use correct grammar in all my sentences now. I'm the girl who will write her texts in all correct grammar and punctuation...I'm kinda OCD about it xP

If you need a beta reader, then I'm here ^_^




You forgot the period at the end of the sentence.
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Postby emoBillâ„¢ » Mon Dec 08, 2008 5:10 pm

rotflmao

I always leave out the period when I have an emoticon. It's kinda like if you put a period at the end, then it cuts the emoticon off from the rest of the sentence. I want to have the impression that the emoticon is happening as I say the sentence.

So, yeah. Grammar Nazi didn't do anything wrong. (In her eyes.)

Ahahahahahahahaha yeah OK.

lolz.

I'll stop spamming now.
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