whats under tatianas bed?

[DeadViolet offline]

my new fanfic about the kids of the original lyoko team. tatiana has to clean under her bed, so nicky, john and raina help her. worse, her boyfriends gone missin!!! couples: tatianaxrichie, johnxnickie. link:
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/27073950/

here are caracter bios:

tatiana-the first child of erika and nick. wears her blue hair in pigtails wit bunny hair things in them. sweet, yet spoiled. a total daddys girl. suffers from stomach ailments. very smart.

nicky-second kid of erika and nick. blond hair pulled in ponytail. a total tomboy. johns loyal companinion and crush. once ran into a tree. no to bright.

john-first child of mya and brandon. kinda looks like tyson from beyblade. has a crush on nicky and once mistook her for a boy.

richie-middle child of ulrich and yumi. tatianas boyfriend. practices martial arts. once fell in a ditch on halloween.

raina- first child of odd and kitty. looks like kitty but acts like odd. very adorable.

[5188148 offline]

Bleh. If you're going to call it a 'fic', write. Don't do that half-arsed script bull@$#%

[Overcaffeinated Sloth offline]

Oh, don't mind grouchy over here.

But you might want to consider making it a little bit more like a story, and getting an account on FanFiction.net. I'd be glad to help, and spend most of my time helping people there with their stories.
DeviantART is good, but it really isn't the right format for literature.

[Star Way]

Well, I can't give a full review because I haven't read it all yet, but browsing over it I have to say you've got one huge flaw that's driving away readers: it's in screen-play format. BAD screen-play format, I mean. You should try to write something in actually story format. It's a lot more fun to read, and is so much more dramatic and descriptive.

Second of all... This is barely fanfic. :/ I mean, you've got like two OCs, plus two characters no one really likes or thinks about much. When people read fic, they want to read about the main people on the show. I know it's more fun for you to write using your own characters, but it's definitely a turn off for people to see fics that are overruled by OCs :/

Anyway, there's my two cents... take it or leave it.