It's like High School, except worse.

[SilverPrince offline]

A little historical background before we go on to the main issue.

So, about fourteen years ago, my mother and father divorced. Both my parents have remarried; like many children with divorced parents, I now have two families. And for much of the time my parents have been divorced, there wasn't a lot of ill will between the two "sides." Not that I could tell, at least. For a little while, my mom and stepmom were even good friends.

However, last March, my older sister got married. She invited my dad and stepmom's family. My dad was mostly cordial; he danced with my sister in the traditional "father-daugher dance" and stuff. My stepmom, however, just sorta sat there and didn't talk to anyone. She didn't even eat at the reception. That caused quite a bit of tension.

Ever since then, the behind-the-scenes of what's been going on between the two families has slowly been revealed to me. Especially now, the two families hate each other. The wedding really started current angry rift between the factions. What broke them apart the most was probably the most ridiculous thing ever.

On Christmas Eve, I went over and celebrated Christmas with my dad and stepmom's family. And I got my hair dyed; it was something I had wanted to do for a while. When I got home, apparently my mom freaked out. I mentioned that I had been "worried that my mom would freak out." My mother took that as me saying "[My stepmom] died my hair to piss [my mom] off." They had a huge argument via email and the next day my mother told me that she was absolutely done with my dad and stepmom. "I really could [sic] care less if your father fell off the face of the Earth and died," my mother told me.

And that's not even why I'm ranting. As my senior year is coming to a close, things like my graduation and my graduation open house and all that are coming up. And I note that these are things that should be celebrated as a family. My mother expressly told me that no one on dad's side of the family is invited to the open house. I asked her if dad was invited to my high school graduation and she hesitated. As if she were honestly thinking of letting me invite my own father to his youngest son's graduation.

I might be painting a picture of my mother as a villain here. She isn't one, I promise. She's a wonderful person, but she has some deep-rooted passion and anger regarding my father, and now that she has completely ridded herself of any desire to have any kind of contact with my father, she has begin to make them more evident. I don't want to reveal details that are a little to... well, not meant to be thrown about in a forum. But let's say that my father had a notorious temper. Personally, I think it's best that my mother and father got divorced. My mother's in a better position now with a very loving husband, and my father has settled down quite a bit.

But for over a year now I've been stuck in the middle of this horrible animosity. I was 4 when my parents divorced. I essentially grew up with two sets of parents. I never knew of the anger behind the scenes. I love my stepmom dearly. I keep hearing from my mom and siblings "Don't let us ruin your relationship with [your stepmother.] What you and her have is 'special.'" And so now that all this is happening, I have strong connections with both sides of the family. My mother and brother and sister are all at various levels of done with my dad and his new family. I'm the only one who still has much of a desire to be a part of their family. And because of that, every time I'm at home and there's drama about something my dad or someone said, I sit there and don't say anything. And then I'll go over to my dad's house and be afraid to even mention my mother because I'm afraid it will ruin the mood. I'm afraid that my dad and stepmom are going to feel excluded from my life because I live with my mom and she's so adamant to keep them away.

I'm not saying that my mother and father don't have a right to keep their lives separate. As I said, it's better that they divorced. My problem is that I'm stuck in the middle of all this anger and hate. Unlike everyone else, I love both sets of my parents. And I have to sit and watch as people in my family tell me they hate [person] because of [past event that I wasn't around for or aware of].

I don't like this drama that I find myself in. I essentially have nothing to do with it. All the things that drive my my parents' and siblings' feelings for each other are directly or indirectly based on events that happened before I was aware. All the things that my mother and sister and brother went through tell me that my father is a horrible person, and that my stepmom is a bitch. (Can I say that in Rant? Let me know if I can't.) But then they say "But don't let that alter your feelings of them." And I try to do just that. And I'm pretty successful at it. But they all still hate each other.

I feel like getting up and leaving every time they start a conversation about each other would look like I'm "siding" with the other side. If my mother talks to me about what she's been through and I sigh, say "I don't wanna hear it," and leave, I feel like she would think I don't care and am siding with my father. If my stepmother is telling me "I've had to deal for years with your mother trying to keep you away from me and your father," and I get up and leave, I'm afraid that would give the impression that I'm abandoning my stepmother and that I don't love her.

I don't know how to keep myself out of this. My mom and stepmom are always saying "It's not fair that you have to be in the middle, and I'm sorry." But that doesn't help me.

[. offline]

I stop reading and started skimming at the word hesitant. Prince, sir, you're a way more patient person then I in this situation because I would of flipped at gasket at both them. Telling them both grow the fuck up and realize that this getting together shit is about you, not them and and their pathetic squabbles. If that doesn't knock the sense back into them, and knowing how my impulse reaction generally doesn't go well, it wouldn't, I'd grow as distant to them as possible.

But that's what *I* would do. And for you to do it, I clearly wouldn't recommend it (though I sympathize for you greatly). Prehaps you could find a away to say the verbiage in cleaner language and less anger. *shrug* sorry man.

[TheLQ offline]

Wow DT, thanks for posting something useful.

----

My parents are divorced, so I sorta know what your talking about.

First of all, don't get dragged into squabbles between the groups if you love them both. Simply say "Thats between you and [insert other person]". If you can't get away, just be indifferent. Don't choose a side. Let them handle it.

With your graduation, explain to everyone that you want them ALL to be there. If they don't warm up to the idea at first, try and separate them to opposite sides of the arena/bleachers. Explain that you want absolutely no fights between them. They don't have to talk to each other, they just have to congratulate you. Tell them to pretend the others don't exist. This should be a happy time, not a miserable time. However because of your requests this will be slightly awkward.

However this is only a temporary solution. I think that you need to talk to them both explaining that even though they hate each other, they (your mom and dad) are your biological parents and you love them both. They need to set aside their diffrences just for you. Without doing this, every "family" gathering will always be in quotes and will be awkward or hateful.